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I tend to have periods where I just get really down, but this past month or two have just been vicious... or I have, I guess, with myself. That's why I haven't been online much. A rough year for my family and me culminated in a pretty tough semester and some very nasty treatment from a coworker, and I let myself - emphasis on LET MYSELF - slip into the most horrible mental swamp, I honestly wondered if I'd be able to crawl out of it and go back to college. At one point I could barely eat, and I literally started worrying myself sick, I think (I got kinda sick twice last month, and I barely get sick once a year).
I thought I knew everything, how to act and what to do, but at one point last month, I was so mentally distraught I couldn't even help my dad figure some probably simple thing on the computer. Learning to put complete trust in God and relying on His help and guidance is my ticket to being able to crawl out of the mental sludge I sank into. It's amazing to be so mentally gone and be able to place everything in the hands to the Omniscient and finally be at peace. It was being selfish, on my part, and even conceited; I thought I knew what God wanted me to do, but in the end I only drove myself into confusion and doubt by puzzling over life to the point of exhaustion, mentally and physically, instead of simply giving it to God and trusting Him to show me His will. Also: a good piece of advice from a book I'm reading ("Laugh Again" by Charles Swindoll)... you can't change your circumstances, but you can change your attitude. Happiness is a choice, wherever you are!!! By relying too much on others and worrying that I wasn't happy, I really sunk my own boat.
I know depression is a condition, and I do NOT think it is evil to take medicine when the body's and brain's state require it. However, it is a disease that begins with the mind, and my mind is being cured by realizing that I don't have to heal myself: I only need to rely on the Healer.
Proverbs 3:5-6 and 16:25, Philippians 4:6-7, and 1 Peter 5:7
and a wonderful piece by a friend
And please don't think it's because I don't love you that I didn't tell you sooner. I keep things to myself, generally... even ~Ryokosp21, my best friend who I live with, didn't hear about the coworker thing for weeks after it happened. Sorry to anyone who wished they knew sooner; it's better to say it all like this, as it's not the easiest stuff to say.
I don't like posting sad stuff much, but this is me right now, and I hope this helps/encourages somebody. I love you guys. [link]
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EDIT: I found this and loved it... there's so many wars going on right now, and turbulence in the world, it helps to know God is in control... also check out Romans 8:28
Psalm 46
1 God is our refuge and strength,
A very present help in trouble.
2 Therefore we will not fear, though the earth should change
And though the mountains slip into the heart of the sea;
3 Though its waters roar and foam,
Though the mountains quake at its swelling pride.
Selah.
4 There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God,
The holy dwelling places of the Most High.
5 God is in the midst of her, she will not be moved;
God will help her when morning dawns.
6 The nations made an uproar, the kingdoms tottered;
He raised His voice, the earth melted.
7 The LORD of hosts is with us;
The God of Jacob is our stronghold.
Selah.
8 Come, behold the works of the LORD,
Who has wrought desolations in the earth.
9 He makes wars to cease to the end of the earth;
He breaks the bow and cuts the spear in two;
He burns the chariots with fire.
10 “Cease striving and know that I am God;
I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.”
11 The LORD of hosts is with us;
The God of Jacob is our stronghold.
Selah.
*end of Psalm 46*
My Lord is the Prince of Peace
Sorry for the loooong journal!!! I wanted everything up here for those who might not have seen the first part yet
My mutual friends:
My favorite artist, hands down:
his photos are incredibleA sampling of some other artists I really enjoy:
And some groups I submit my stuff to or just watch:
Love 
"Let all that I am praise the Lord;
with my whole heart, I will praise his holy name.
Let all that I am praise the Lord;
may I never forget the good things he does for me.
He forgives all my sins and heals all my diseases.
He reedemes me from death
and crowns me with love and tender mercies."
Romans 5:3-5
"We can rejoice too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance.
And endurance develops character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation. And this hope will not
lead to dissapointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love."
God is shaking you, and he is using this time to bring growth and more spiritual maturity. I realized that the thing I have most trouble with is trying to rationalize what God was trying to tell me, or find excuses not to let go of the things I held on to, as if he was the enemy. Believe it or not, but I'm sure you remember, I was (and if I allow myself to go without confronting the issues or thoughts) a very worrisome person, ruled by emotion and highly depressive. But with God's grace, he changed that in me, and I feel free as long as I am constantly keeping him in my mind. But when sin goes unnoticed in my heart, it tries to knock on my door, then I am blinded and believe the lies that all of it was a lie and that I haven't changed and I am doomed to fail. Then after a period of days, the emptiness that comes from not being in harmony with God breaks me down and I confess my sin and being prideful.
On a totally unrelated note, I think you are a beautiful person, and although you may be trying to rationalize what this coworker is doing to you as something's your fault because you don't like to make confrontation, it is not, and that is why there is the law to protect you. I don't know exactly what this guy is doing to you, but you should preach the Good News to him and see if that does anything.
the coworker is being hostile, sometimes, or at least very accusatory, among other things. then he mentioned he wanted to take me out, which really disturbed me, lol, after everything else that he's said. another problem is, this guy has some erroneous knowledge about God. we tried to have a conversation once, and he seemed to think it was all about being good enough to please God. i tried to mention Jesus a little, i think, that Jesus died to save us because we'll never be good enough... something like that... don't think he got it. but when God speaks... God's words never go out in vain
sorry for the past two i deleted... i kept wanting to add stuff after i posted :S